My intention wasn’t to avoid my blog for a month.
My brain has been moving faster than what’s comfortable lately. The ability to be mindful has been elusive. I keep wanting to point to my busy life as the excuse behind my emotional swings.
My therapist tells me repeatedly that I will never have control of anything.
Life is not meant to be controlled. I know this, but my brain struggles with it. And, occasionally, when things get too stressful, since my brain can’t control life, it will instead blame me for not having control of things. Blame feels controllable, even if the circumstances do not.
Bullying. My brain bullies me for things being out of control. And then I get pissed at the bully, and the bully shoves me, and then my true self is fighting my brain, and dude. That’s just exhausting. Even worse, unless you’re in my head, you have no idea it’s happening.
That’s where I’m at this morning. And instead of explaining all the good things that are happening around me that point to why I shouldn’t feel this way, I’m just going to sit in it and feel kind of gross. Or, perhaps a better choice, is to point out to myself what I’ve managed to do despite my mood so far. I took a small walk around my neighborhood. I got dressed. I made my bed. I got on here and am writing right now. I took ibuprofen for pain. I’m aware. Look at me noticing!
It’s a start. One moment at a time. Today I’m going to try to love myself just a little bit more.