But enough about her.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been involved in a wedding in any way. My own wedding was over twelve years ago. In regard to the weddings of friends, I think I had the honor of being a bridesmaid somewhere around eight to ten times. There have easily been 20–30 weddings I’ve attended as a guest.
Without question, if I was in the wedding party, I was always, always, the big bridesmaid. Or the big bride, as the case may have been.
This is where I tell you that I’m all good with my size. You know, more to love. And when it comes to weddings? Shoot. Weddings were made for big girls.
If you happen to work in the wedding industry, and you honestly do it because you love weddings, great.
HOWEVER! If you are one of the shitheads whose only goal is to squeeze every stinking penny out of wide-eyed, innocent, lovestruck people, you can kiss my plus-sized ass.
I remember attending one wedding convention, and it was one too many. I’d rather get a root canal than go to another one of those things. Aside from the fact that you have a ton of people trying to convince you that you absolutely have to have their product in order to have a legimitately a-mah-zing wedding, the fashion shows highlighted lithe models in stunning gowns. All ballerinas. Statuesque.
It’s experiences like going to wedding conventions that make a girl stress eat. I’m just saying.
My friend who is getting married has decided not to have a wedding party, as she is awesome. Bridal dress sizing is heinous. Take whatever size you normally wear, and add about eight more sizes on top of it. Are you normally a size ten? Great. Enjoy coming to peace with your size 18 dress. Size 16? Yep. You’re looking at a 24, minimum. Are you a size 28? Right. You can do math. It universally sucks.
Even if you are a confident woman and recognize that numbers on dress sizes mean nothing (because they don’t), there is still no way to turn a blind eye to the gazillion articles in print and online about all the work you need to do on yourself, regardless if you’re the bride, in the bridal party, or just made the mistake of googling “weddings.”
Diet more. Exercise more. Invest more in your skin care. Buy more Spanx. Take a yoga class. Try some more celery. Go get everything waxed. Quit looking at food. Why haven’t you done something about your back fat already? MY GOD YOU ARE DISGUSTING.
Even when it’s not your own wedding, you want to bring your A-game. You do. And for me, it’s because the people who are getting married deserve the best I can give them. I intend to honor them with my words, my love, and, yes, my appearance.
Obviously, this is before I’ve gotten too deep into the wine. Then all bets are off.
I’m helping my friend with some of the wedding planning. I know it’s stressful and gross, so I want to be supportive and remind her not to take it all too seriously. At the same time, though, I can already tell you, from now until August 5th, there is going to be an overzealous, judgmental, bitchy voice in my head telling me to lose weight and look better, because A WEDDING IS COMING.
Oh Christ. I’m going to have to write a toast.