I’m in bed at 7pm solely because of the full moon.
It’s still a full moon, right? It was this morning.
I’m not afraid to admit that I do look to horoscopes, oracle cards, tarot readings, etc. for guidance. I also seek advice from friends, read the news (blech), attend conferences, and check weather.gov regularly. I want to know what’s going on at all times. Because, contrary to what my therapist has been telling me for the last decade, I’m pretty sure that if I keep tabs on all the stuff, I have some level of control over not only my life, but over, you know, everything.
Let’s just pretend this is true.
And obviously, the more uncomfortable the feelings swirling inside me, the more desperate I am to point to a reason why I’m feeling a particular way.
Let’s start with the obvious:
- I’ve spent the last three months preparing for two big shows (Ignite Denver and This Is My Brave), and both of them took place in the last ten days.
- OK, that’s really it.
- Stuff happens in threes.
So, yes, I am coming down from two very significant events. They were both spectacular, by the way, and I’m really proud of how well they went. And part of me wants to “blame” my current malaise on the fact they’re over, but I feel like there’s more. My body is tired. My brain is restless. The communities of people I spent so much time with suddenly scattered back to their own lives.
I have other projects that are ongoing, but there’s something else happening in my soul, and I want (need) to know why. It’s that feeling that big change is afoot. Is it seasonal affective disorder? The moon? Is it merely that we’re human, and we sometimes have unexplained feelings that we just need to accept?
A friend told me I needed to hibernate. Several people have told me to be gentle. However, I’ve been pushing myself so hard, that to have it end so abruptly is just weird. I wish I had the kind of job where I could just take a hiatus for a bit. I want that — some time to just find my slower groove.
I need art. I need community. I need to know where to find it. I need to find those things inside, and that pisses me off. Right now, I’m also hating the word ‘need.’ I want more risk, but I also want more balance.
Sad panda. I’m not going to figure this all out tonight. My whole life is questioning. Case in point? The podcast/vlog/partnership that’s currently in development. I figured, what the hell, I’d share yesterday’s episode with you tonight. You ought to check it out. As the screen shot here would indicate, if nothing else, you can watch me drink wine.
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