Kat Atwell is a freelance writer, blogger & stage presence telling stories that deliver laughs, validation & community.

Mental Health | Wellness & Self Image | Experiential & Reviews

Quandary.

I'm not OK right now, and I'm not sure who to reach out to in order to tell them I'm not OK. My brain has crawled into that dark place where it doesn't matter, nobody cares, it's a waste of time, and I'm bigger than this and can snap out of it.

The part where you feel like a burden is really the worst. You don't want to ask for help because you know everyone else has so much going on already, and you don't know what kind of help to ask for, anyway. Being vague is frustrating.

All I want to do is stay on the couch, waste time looking at pointless shit on the internet, and pretend my life is full and rich and I'm back to who I used to be - outgoing, lots of friends, energetic, funny. I don't feel like I'm that person any more, even when I'm in an environment where I can be doing it. I feel like I'm being fake.

I'm not a risk to myself or anything like that, I'm just depressed. I see it and acknowledge it. I just don't know how to gracefully move through it.

And despite everything in me screaming to delete this, or to keep it as a permenent draft, I'm going to post it. I know there are others who have been in this spot before. It's unpleasant, and it doesn't make you any less of a person. It just is what it is.

Here's what won't be happening.

College.