Kat Atwell is a freelance writer, blogger & stage presence telling stories that deliver laughs, validation & community.

Mental Health | Wellness & Self Image | Experiential & Reviews

Underwhelmed.

I know I spoke about this yesterday, but more ... ugh. What's the word. More shit rolled downhill today. My struggle has to do with allowing the rather crappy stuff to overshadow the good stuff that's been coming into my life.

This has to do with how I was raised, and I recognize that. There are several times I can recall trying to talk about stuff that disappointed me, only to be told to consider what good things came as a result. It was dismissive, and opinions were usually offered when I wasn't asking for them. I needed an active listener - someone to just be there and acknowledge that yeah, it didn't wind up the way I'd hoped, and there were times in life when it was OK to be frustrated.

It is OK to be frustrated. The key is to sit with it, move through it, and then learn from it. I haven't really grasped how to move through stuff. I've tried to learn lessons from experiences I haven't allowed myself to fully experience.

I get mad at myself when I try to force the bright side. I get mad at myself when I'm depressed. I get mad at myself when I think I've been treated unfairly, and I fail to acknowledge that everyone gets treated unfairly, and it's all a matter of perspective. I get mad at myself.

So tonight, I'm upset, and obviously, I'm mad at myself about it.

I want to send an email to someone tonight and simply tell them that I'm disappointed in them. I'm not going to, because it's not a conversation that will go anywhere. The decisions made that led to this point can be used as inspiration to create what I want going forward, and I know that.

Here's my cryptic message that can be applied to several life situations right now, both to myself and others:

Screw you for not doing what you said you would do. Screw you for not recognizing my successes. Screw you for being a jerk to people I care about, and not recognizing a good thing - no, a great thing - when it's been handed to you on a silver platter. Screw you for overlooking the investment of my time and my effort into helping you be successful, and making you happy. Screw you for not recognizing that people care about you and want to help you, yet being somehow incapable of reaching out and asking for help. Screw you for being defensive, instead of just making the changes you need to make to fix the damn problem.

Pretty sure this is primal scream time.

What do you do when you hit that point when you're just over it? I really don't know. This is a legitimate question.

And now, I'll answer the question: You make changes, you let it go, you move forward, you stop what if-ing life and you DO stuff instead of TALKING about doing stuff.

My neighbor that shares a wall with us has been on a karaoke bender all weekend, and I'm pretty much over it at this point. Just as an aside.

I keep looking at myself and beating myself up for wondering when the time will finally arrive that I will actually take action and make changes. I don't know how not to be mad at my inability to do this. I don't know how people in my life who know me and care about me put up with my neverending tendencies to talk about things I never engage. Fuck, dude.

And it's only now that I'm realizing today is the final day of the month - the month I promised I'd blog everyday. And, save for one or two instances, I did just that. Also? I hit 2,000 views sometime today. That's a feat worthy of note. I don't intend to stop writing now by any stretch of the imagination, but I didn't want to end my month with the F-word, either.

Gratitudes today:
  • A beautiful day
  • A trip to the farmer's market this morning which included the purchase of a bunch of amazing fruits and vegetables and some time spent listening to some fantastic live music while watching little girls run through fountains
  • My health - my throat is back to normal, and my eye nearly so
  • A snaked drain and a scoured bathtub
  • A spontaneous bargain dress bought this afternoon
  • Pigtails
  • Getting to spend time with a friend who I've been missing while supporting local theater
  • A delicious dinner - and an appetite, for that matter
  • Potential - infinite potential

Not Telling.

Healing.