Kat Atwell is a freelance writer, blogger & stage presence telling stories that deliver laughs, validation & community.

Mental Health | Wellness & Self Image | Experiential & Reviews

Random gifts.

Today was all about letting myself just go with it. So, despite my irritability right now (recognizing it counts for something!), I'm happy with how my day went. Particularly, I had a great session with my psychotherapist today, and I decided abruptly to go to church tonight for the midweek service and Oneness Blessing. It was magical, and I don't mean for that to sound sarcastic. It really was. Plus, I bought myself a mini-Buddha at the gift shop, because I've wanted to have one at my desk for some time now. It makes me happy.

I took a lot of notes today, between my appointment and church. I had a lot of tasks on my plate today, so I think I was a little hyper-vigilant about paying attention to things so that I felt like I had some semblance of control.

The day I accept I will never have control over anything I'm going to throw a super huge party.

This afternoon, stuff got a little crazy at work, as police had barricaded several blocks off due to either a drug bust or bank robbery - the details were  hazy. I had that frisson of fear when I saw the police (I often do), when the notion struck that they could be looking for me.

People with severe anxiety will understand.

What did I do? Did I inadvertently commit a major crime? I don't think I did. What if I did? No, of course I didn't...I'm being ridiculous. But what if...?

My doctor mentioned that he's heard that more than once. He also indicated that some people are afraid of a case of mistaken identity. I brushed off that comment, telling him that I'd never assume it was someone else's problem, and I was likely somehow to blame for the imaginary crime I didn't commit. He then blithely mentioned that trying to accept blame is another way of trying to harness control of a situation.

Control. Control. Control. My nemesis.

Believe.

Insulated.