Kat Atwell is a freelance writer, blogger & stage presence telling stories that deliver laughs, validation & community.

Mental Health | Wellness & Self Image | Experiential & Reviews

...know when to run.

Before I take off with the topic I want to write about, I need to say this: I feel so badly for Kenny Rogers and Smokey Robinson due to the excessive plastic surgery they've both had. I prefer to remember them 30 years ago.

A very kind, empathetic friend posted this to my Facebook earlier this week, and tonight it's given me pause. Those of you who really know me, know this has been a long-time struggle with people who are nice, but not so nice that I want to be close to them.

My desire to want to befriend the whole world sometimes clouds my judgment. I tell myself that if I just try a little harder, if I listen a little better, I'll see that good person I know exists in that shell, somewhere. It's only recently that it's begun to cross my mind that it's not my job to seek out the good in every person that crosses my path. And even when I recognize it, it's still wildly difficult to absorb. I don't trust my intuition. I listen to my ego telling me I just haven't figured it out yet. In the meantime, I get walked on, I get unsolicited opinions, and I get insulted.

Someone said something today so cavalierly and without thought, that it rendered me speechless. I was told that over the course of the past two years, any mean or thoughtless thing that has come out of my mouth has been ... I'm going to paraphrase here...has been tossed aside as a result of the medication I'm taking.

Forget that I have feelings. Forget that I'm human. Forget that I'm more than a diagnosis. Forget that yes, it is possible for you to hurt my feelings and I may have the wherewithal to say something about it - it's the fault of my pills. If you wonder about stigma, here's a prime example. And it was said in such a dismissive, toss-away sort of way, I have yet to really wrap my head around it.

Who does that? Why would I want to subject myself to that? Why do I subject myself to that? The same friend who shared the image above talked to me tonight after this all went down, and reminded me to refer to The Four Agreements, particular the rule that reminds a person that it's never about you. It is so hard to grasp that. I realize it's a control issue, and it's one of those times I'm trying to accept blame for something, when in reality, I'm trying to stand up for myself, but JESUS CHRIST.

I have an interview tomorrow, and I need to focus on that. I need to focus on sleep and going upstairs and hugging on my daughter and breathing my way through some meditation. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday.

My horrendous, mood-altering medicine is kicking in, so I need to go before I hurt anyone's feelings.

I want you to know, but I don't want you to know.

Smoke gets in my eyes.