Kat Atwell is a freelance writer, blogger & stage presence telling stories that deliver laughs, validation & community.

Mental Health | Wellness & Self Image | Experiential & Reviews

I'm a lefty, but tonight I'm a writey.

See that? Pun happened.

I just got home from an unexpected performance tonight. I got to play with some really great guys, had an exceptionally effortless set, and managed to enjoy the hell out of myself despite being extremely tired. It was nice.

Last night, I vaguely remember mentioning that I wanted to talk about church, and I actually remembered to bring in my notebook from the car, so I'm gonna do that. The notes I get from church coalesce so well with what I talk to my psychotherapist about, that I can't ignore the messages given to me.

Wednesday night, I chose to go to church. They had a Oneness Blessing. Sidenote: When I just went to google that, "Oneness Blessing Cult" autopopulated in the frame. So, take this as you will.

I mentioned to a good friend yesterday that I see religion like I see psychiatric medications. I can't prove they work one way or the other, but if I walk away from the experience feeling better and no one's been hurt in the process, I'm just going to proceed in that direction.

Anyway, I'm just going to copy a lot of what I'd written in my planner here, and then break down what I can before my sleeping pills catch up with my brain.

So, I'm supposed to read some books by a guy named Mark Nepo. He wrote 7000 Ways to Listen, basing it off the fact that according to someone, there are about 7000 known languages on the planet.

For some reason, hearing the intro about him made me realize that I want to pursue writing more fervently. I'd like to write for magazines and advocate to loving kindess and mental health awareness and all of that. Wrote that down, too.

The gift of slowing down and listening around us and listening with us.
The world sometimes feels like it's moving too fast - the modern world has a lot of noise.

1) Learning to Listen
  • Truly listening means letting in joy and sadness
  • Lean into change - not doing so is essentially the inability to listen
  • A williness not to defend ourselves makes our lives richer
  • Have more trust in following our intuition, or our "God-positioning center"
  • Develop comofrot in learning what we have been borth with
  • Is our lack of trust in God, or lack of trust in ourselves?
2) Feeling the moment
  • Mark Nepo's The Appointment poem was read aloud
  • When we feel like the world is speaking to us, this is what home should feel like
  • Don't delay the moment - step into it and allow it to expand
...sadly, at that point, I had to leave the service because my ride showed up. The singer, Troy Horne, also mentioned The Moses Code. I haven't read anything about it yet, but I will. There was this song performed, You Are Everything You Are, and I cannot WAIT for it to show up online. It was brilliant.

I also partook of the Oneness Blessing I mentioned earlier. When I meditate, I try to pay attention to the symbols that manifest in my head as I sit there, without trying to judge them. Here's what I came up with:

I envisioned a mountain, somewhere in Asia, with stairs built into the side of the mountain. It felt to me like I had personally erected the mountain with my own fears, and was in the process of walking down the stairs back to flat land. The stairs were treacherous and hard to maneuver, but I knew I was in the process of coming back down from this land mass of stress I'd created. Anyone with knee problems will be able to understand that going down stairs can be a lot tougher than marching up them in the beginning. I wanted to see if there was a picture that aligned with what I'd thought.

Well, hell, I don't know how to look for that. I feel like I've seen it before. I may have to draw, so you've been warned. Anyway, I took it to be a very astute metaphor. I am coming down my self-made stairs right now, and it's difficult, but it means I'm coming down, and that's what counts.

I also pictured a chasm - sort of like a Grand Canyon hole, with a single rock column holding itself high with a seat etched into the stone for me to sit. As long as I sat still and trusted the column, I was fine, but it was super high and I couldn't look down. So, instead, I looked up, and I had this very clear vision of how small I am in the universe. More accurately, I suppose, how expansive the universe is. A tiny star can shine through a crack in a cave and be reflected off a droplet of water and aid someone is moving toward something. Recognizing that star is millions of miles away, surrounded by millions of other stars...it's hard to wrap my head around it all.

Some friends of mine flitted through my head in one way or another - my friends Robert, Sandy, Chelsea, and Lee all showed up, which to me symbolized they needed some extra love and caring energy shot their way (check that off my list).

I also thought of animals. I wanted to look up their significance:
  • Whales are often seen to represent creativity and intuition in many Native American cultures. They can also symbolize death and rebirth, a regenerative cycle. They are viewed as being gentle, highly intelligent, and socially advanced (got this from wiki.answers.com)
  • Snowy Owl - I found this entire explanation to be eye-opening.
  • Elephant - This lady's website is crazy useful. Read about elephants here.
  • Butterfly - Wikipedia suggests butterflies represent rebirth.
Not to get too uncomfortable, my meditation introduced a very vivid image of making love in water. I'm not sure what that means. I also very clearly saw a Viola Tri-color, which evidentaly Ophelia talked about in Hamlet when she stated more than once, "There's pansies, that's for thoughts."

Deep thoughts.

I think this is enough for one night, but I do want to delve further. I'm really starting to get a knack for being me and liking it, and for that I'm abundantly grateful. Bedtime for Bonzo now. Night night.