Kat Atwell is a freelance writer, blogger & stage presence telling stories that deliver laughs, validation & community.

Mental Health | Wellness & Self Image | Experiential & Reviews

Backwards.

I was in a crap mood today. Lily was in a crap mood today. We slept poorly the night before. However, looking at today, I really need to focus on the positive. I mean, let's consider all the gratitudes laid out before me here:

I woke up to see my daughter sleeping peacefully.
Coffee was had.
Farmer's Market was visited.
I paid $5 for about a 25-minute massage from one of the kindest women ever.
A chocolate-dipped macaroon was procured in my honor.
The goat cheese guy was there.
We got to see some wonderful friends, albeit briefly.
I bought the most gorgeous asparagus ever.
Came home, napped successfully.
Went to the library and got a bunch of great books.
The fine I owed? They wrote it off because their credit card machine was broken.
Came home and took a marathon bath with lemon verbena oil while reading a book that moved me to tears.
Had the most delicious orange roughy and asparagus for dinner, thanks to He Who Grills.
Went for an early evening swim.
Finished and folded laundry.
Read some poetry.
Cleaned up the kitchen and prepared my snacks for tomorrow.
Had wine.
Did my nails.
Child went to sleep with little effort.

I spent a vast portion of my day infuriated, despite all that. I want to beat myself up for it. I want to allow myself to feel guilty for not appreciating each moment and being more mindful. I'm doing that right now, and have been, in my head, all day. By anyone else's account, this would qualify as a beautiful day, I'm thinking. Here is my stumbling block. A great day did not a great attitude manifest. I realize the great attitude should exist and feed off itself regardless of what does or doesn't happen in a day, and I also realize I'm thinking too hard about this.

Tomorrow has potential. I'm writing this in case I don't have time to get something in tomorrow. Is it after ten here? Dang, almost. I figure that if I'm posting after midnight Eastern Standard Time, that counts for Monday. Of course, this means I have 14 more minutes of writing to do. It's not impossible.

Here's something - I feel incompetent any more when it comes to communicating nonverbally in a provocative manner. I don't feel like I can look at someone in a sexy way without getting all bound up and turn it into something humorous. Even when I go out dancing (which needs to happen again very soon), I've put up some mental block that says either I don't deserve it, I can't do it, or it's not worth my time. Rediscovering yourself as a sexual person is not an easy thing to do. Are there books on how to rediscover your sexuality? Is that kind of like self-help books, where reading the stuff is just putting off the inevitable?

I used to be a very sexual, driven, confident woman. These days, my confidence gets pulled from my wit, my negotiation skills, and ...hell, I don't even know where it comes from. I know I'm a good mom. I know I'm a good listener. I know I'm a hard worker. I know I'm dependable.

I want to know I can stop someone with a look. I want that kind of confidence. I just Googled it, and found an article on Oprah, so I'm not the only one running around with this sort of problem. And there are valid points in the article. I do worry too much about what other people think. To my favor, though, I've invested a hell of a lot of time into who I am and who I want to be, and I think that's helping me to really understand what I want and need as a person.

Soapbox moment: I despise what the fashion world has done to the vast majority of women everywhere who feel they require something more than they already have.

I am fabulous. Lord knows I have a lot to give. It's time for me to really acknowledge it's my turn to get some back, too.

Annnnnnnd, I still have a minute before this qualifies with my backwards logic as tomorrow's journal entry. I'd like it noted I wrote all this while on medication, and forcing myself to write past where I'd intended resulted with some insightful stuff. Ah, the bell tolls.

100!

Job Well Done.