Kat Atwell is a freelance writer, blogger & stage presence telling stories that deliver laughs, validation & community.

Mental Health | Wellness & Self Image | Experiential & Reviews

Shopping therapy.

I had a good day, great even. With the exception of the poor decision regarding the footwear I selected, I was happy with my day. Got a lot of work done, didn't wind up wanting to throttle any coworkers beyond the usual level of throttling...I enjoyed it.

After work, due to a change of plans, I took a walk down to the 16th Street mall with Emily and we shopped. Oh yes. I've rediscovered how much I like shopping. I mentioned to Emily this evening that I really feel like I'm reclaiming who I was 15+ years ago. It's invigorating. I found myself puzzling over what I was going to wear tomorrow around 7:00 tonight. That's crazy talk.

I've discovered that I like to look good, and with good reason - I look good when I look good. Go Team Me! Obviously, it's been an up day. Good things are on the horizon, I feel, at work. I had an amazing talk with my friend Emily about our relationships and outlooks on life. My focus right now is to reframe negative thoughts.

This is very challenging, in case you were curious.  I haven't graduated from college. I'm 37 years old. I had a college career handed to me on a platter and I watched it fall apart. And since that original effort, I've tried repeatedly to return, all resulting in shame and failed grades.

I will be the first person to tell you I'm a smart fucking individual. I know a lot about a lot. I'm not sure if it's the learning environment, or what, but it grates at me nearly constantly that there is this piece of paper I should have and a feeling of accomplishment I should feel about something I have not or cannot do. I can't figure it out. I beat myself up about this routinely.  From a reframing standpoint, I can tell you I likely wouldn't have worked half as hard at the beginning of my professional career to sell myself. My negotiation skills are crazy good, as are my sales skills, presuming I can stand behind the product or service I'm selling. I'm great with people. I'm a quick learner. If I hadn't moved up the ladder so quickly only to wind up hospitalized and taking a major career path change, there's a good chance Lily would never have happened. So, I guess I have Lily to thank for the fact that I didn't graduate from school?

I still want to, you know. Finish. I'm not sure how to go about it. My grades, as mentioned earlier, are abysmal. I want to clean-slate my college experience and just start from scratch. Is that possible? I have nearly twenty combined years since I first began college I just want to wipe out. I should check it out. Who does a person go to for this sort of thing? I'm proud of myself that I want to do it despite all the shame and embarassment that's led me to this point. And I honestly don't know what I'll get from it unless I major in something creative and thoroughly un-work-related.

Decisions. I've hit the one eye open journalling phase of the night, so I'm going to wrap this up. Life is good.

Birthday Girl in Her Birthday World.

Fading fast.