Kat Atwell is a freelance writer, blogger & stage presence telling stories that deliver laughs, validation & community.

Mental Health | Wellness & Self Image | Experiential & Reviews

It's worth it.

First of all, for those who don't already know, I'm walking May 18th for the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Please consider donating to this worthy cause and supporting me as I aim to hit at least $1000 in the next two weeks. You can find my donation page here. I talk a bit about my personal story, but those reading already know infinitely more than most.

A beautiful friend sent me a link to this article earlier today, as she knows me better than almost anyone. I've known Suzanne since 1994 by way of telnet. We haven't yet been fortunate enough to meet in person, but it will happen. She is one of the smartest, wisest, kindest, bravest people I know. I hope you see this. You make my heart full, Suz. I love you.

I visited the doctor this morning. My newest quirk is that I cry in doctors' offices. It just happens. I was talking to my father tonight, and trying to explain that I felt like I was responsible for having to go on blood pressure medication, and that I've allowed my own physical health to dictate shame. And, you know, I can be disappointed in myself for eating habits and that sort of thing, but when it gets burned down to its lowest common denominator and I'm chastising myself for blood pressure, or upper respiratory infections, or...or whatever, really, I have to step back and realize what a silly exercise it is.

My former OB/GYN wanted me to go have a blood draw for over a year, and I didn't go, because I was afraid of what the numbers might reveal, and I felt like it was a pass/fail sort of thing. Something I should have "tried harder" at.

So, yes, after my doctor appointment, I felt beleagured. I went into work at the north office and wound up being offensively productive, doing more than double the work I do on a typical day, in less time, no less. I'm already dreading returning to the office tomorrow because my body is in this fight or flight thing, and I', just feeling pretty defeated.

The general practitioner I saw today was kind enough to pescribe me a month's supply of my "in case of emergency, take these" pills, which I did, tonight. And then I took a bath. There was a toss-up at one point, trying to decide whether it made more sense getting away from the house, or taking meds that make driving impossible. I opted to remain homebound. So, if any of this writing gets away from me, or I start sounding like a lunatic, you've been warned.

As an overly anxious person, I must say that it almost irritates me when I see people not get bothered or upset by things that throw me sideways (go look at that article I posted above). Why can't I let it go? Why don't they get concerned like I do? Snarl Snarl. I don't even know how to argue now. It's kind of like, "What's the point?" Why assume things will change? I know it's morose and self-pitying, but that's kind of been my day.

Here are some of the good things, so I don't spend this entire time complaining:
  • I got several donations today toward my walk
  • Plans were made for a picnic with a new friend
  • Pretty sure I get to see a friend tomorrow night
  • Another show Friday night
  • Lily and I are learning to hula hoop together
  • The urge has struck me to learn how to play guitar or banjo
  • Thunderstorms
I'm going to walk away now. Gonna spend the next bit of time coming up with some book recommendations.

You just know.