Kat Atwell is a freelance writer, blogger & stage presence telling stories that deliver laughs, validation & community.

Mental Health | Wellness & Self Image | Experiential & Reviews

Payback.

I love sleep. I am such a fan. Once upon a time, I took it for granted. Cavalier remarks would be tossed around about how I could fall asleep anywhere, any time, without any provocation. Those days are so far gone now, and I miss them.

Someday I'll likely talk more about drugs and mental health and how they coincide, and how I've made peace with the relationship. However, it still drives me crazy (ha!) that somehow I wound up nearly incapable of falling asleep without medicinal assistance.

This past weekend, I ran out of sleeping pills. I never thought I'd be someone to rely on something so ridiculous, but it's where I'm at right now. Sunday was spent doing lots of stuff - running errands, taking a stroll by the nearby lake, going to be a barbeque. Despite not having my meds, I figured that certainly I'd done enough to warrant passing out on my own.

Not the case. Sunday night into Monday morning suuuuuuuucked. I lay in bed for hours. There were times when my body was waving the white flag and doing those involuntary twitch things, but my brain just kept going. I went from my bed to the couch to the bed to the couch again. I woke up having remembered four dreams. As a result, Monday was gross.

Fortunately, I was able to get a refill yesterday and took my medicine early, and consequently passed out in front of the television (which is nearly unheard of, unless we're talking about a medication that rhymes with shmambien), and woke up around 1:30 fully dressed, contacts in, hair still up, makeup still on, on the couch. Didn't care! I managed to get into bed and pass out again for another four hours or so. And today was glorious.

I'm reluctant to swallow whole the idea that positive attitude translates to positive energy and good attracts good all the time, but it certainly doesn't hurt. A friend bought me a baked good this morning, and another friend provided me with a chai. It was an amazing spring day. I was offered two free hula hoops. My counseling sessions were awesome. I found a ton of really cool websites while surfing pinterest for quinoa recipes. A potential job opportunity fell into my lap. I reconnected with my yoga instructor. I remembered how fun it was to have curly hair. My daughter and I read bedtime stories together. Pizza happened. Angels are singing and birds are chirping and we're getting snowed on tomorrow.

I used to question whether my good moods were dependent on medication, and if they were, if I cared. At this point, frankly, I know the pills certainly help things out, but I'm confident that the moods themselves derive from who I am and how much I sleep.

Not bored.

I'm not sick, but I'm not well...