Kat Atwell is a freelance writer, blogger & stage presence telling stories that deliver laughs, validation & community.

Mental Health | Wellness & Self Image | Experiential & Reviews

Happy plate.

I spent today at home, in bed. My body got tired of my mind getting all the attention, so it stole its thunder by contracting bronchitis. I've slept, ate horrible food, and watched two especially weird movies.

There's not a lot I feel like writing about right now. I keep wanting to go back to describing my amazing friends and family instead of talking about my own stuff. Someone I talked to the other day told me to quit emphasizing how grateful I was to other people and to pick up just being my awesome self.

Is being grateful and expressing gratitude an avoidance tactic? I'd like to think it isn't. It could be, though.

Let's be brave. It's time for me to talk about failure. I'm not sure when or how it was instilled in me that I had to win all the time, and that it was either completely succeed or completely fail, but it's there. My brain is wired in such a way that it believes uncontrollable things are in my hands - and really, from a metaphysical perspective, they are, but then I beat myself up about stuff I can't control.

My blood pressure. My mood swings. My weight.

And then there's college. There is always college. I want to finish school so badly. But, the thing is, I want to be successful at it. I want to go out with great grades, and positive relationships with teachers, and confidence. For me, college is the antithesis of all of that. I have dug myself into this disgusting hole, so that even if I tried my best and aced everything from here to graduation, I'd still barely pass. I'm guessing. And I know it's worst case scenario thinking. I just want to go into a school and ask them to take me as a clean slate. Let me start from zero. Funny - I've been saying the same thing about finding a psychiatrist. Don't judge me, diagnose me, or grade me on who I was. Look at who I am today and give me a shot.

Not like I can fail a psychological diagnosis, but you know what I mean. I think. I'm on codeine.

I'm an amazing salesperson. I have the charisma, the quick-thinking skills, and can plaster on the smile without pause. I can negotiate anything with others, except when it comes to me. Why is that? At what point did I decide I wasn't worth it?

I want to be worth it. If I was to take my own advice, I should just clean slate it from here. Start from this point. I'm sick, I'm tired, and I am awesome. I don't want to talk about doing things any more, I want to actually do them. I talk too much.

Onward and upward. I'm off to bathe.

I need a bell.

Hope.