Kat Atwell is a freelance writer, blogger & stage presence telling stories that deliver laughs, validation & community.

Mental Health | Wellness & Self Image | Experiential & Reviews

Feeling my way through it.

My house smells like dirt.

I was all ready to write a post for the sake of the readers, and not myself. I caught it before it happened. Today was a roller coaster.

My morning was outstanding. For the second day in a row, I made a real effort to look nice, and it didn't go unnoticed. That felt extremely good. My morning was nonstop with the work stuff, but I met with four people who were really nice and I had the opportunity to help them out, and that's always rewarding.

I complain about my job a lot (not typically on here), but at the end of the day, I'm happy with what I do. I like to help people. I like to help folks understand things.

My afternoon, immediately after I ate, tanked. I got bad news regarding some budgeting issues (we had a check bounce), I'm having major conflicts with someone I work with in the theater realm, and a relationship with a person I used to be really close to is causing me some unneeded anxiety.

The plan this afternoon was to play a prank on a coworker, but I was in no mood to decorate his workspace with Spam paraphernalia, given how upset I was. And honestly, going from as high as I was this morning, to as low as I got this afternoon - it was totally exhausting. Of course, now that I'm home and his cubicle is sitting at the office, undecorated, I'm disappointed in myself.

After work, I did get to grab a drink with a friend and catch up with her, and then went and got my face lasered and some skin tags removed. It sounds bad, and yeah, it did hurt, but I love, love, LOVE my aesthetician, so that made it OK.

Once that was over, I met up with my friends and went to an art show, because they insisted I not return home and get all pouty, which I absolutely would have done. They'll likely read this at some point. You know who you are: I care about you so, so much. You make my bad days bearable.

I'm home now, lying on the couch, knowing that some good things did actually happen this afternoon, despite the sour attitude I adopted. I shouldn't be mad about my lows, but I inevitably get all judge-y with myself. It's been a week.

What's important to focus on is this: I'm learning to appreciate myself more. I'm trying desperately to cut myself some slack. Progress is being made. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be putting myself out here like this. I would have written a post about boys being dumb, with the intention of making people laugh. I turn to humor when I can't face my own thoughts - or I did, and still frequently do.

This weekend is difficult because my original plans were to return to my college and have a reunion with a bunch of amazing women. But, I didn't plan well, and even though I wanted more than anything to hop in my car post-laser and just start driving East, I didn't. They're all posting about how much fun they're having right now on Facebook, and taking pictures of all of these landmarks I remember from way back when, and it's made me wistful. I miss them a lot more than I realized. Kinship is super important.

So now, because I'm home, and I have the entire downstairs to myself, save for the cats, I'm going to drink some beer and watch some Wes Anderson films, because I can.

Also, hi LJ friends. I've missed you guys.

Just keep swimming.

Sex Panther.