Kat Atwell is a freelance writer, blogger & stage presence telling stories that deliver laughs, validation & community.

Mental Health | Wellness & Self Image | Experiential & Reviews

WOW.

More than once today, I came down on myself for failing to post a blog last night. Imagine my surprise upon coming here tonight seeking penance (preparing to journal for 20 minutes instead of the usual ten) only to learn that I actually had written something.

This is why I'm not taking Ambien any more. Not only do I not remember posting at all, but I don't remember the hiccups, nor do I remember a 30-minute phone call I had last night. I'd rather be sleep deprived than do shit I don't remember AT ALL.

I like control. I realize it's a...oasis. It's like an oasis - fake. Created from starvation. But, it's comfortable to me. I like feeling like I'm dictating my course. Taking a pill, even if it's for blessed, incredible sleep, is not worth losing that feeling.

Coincidentally, I took something called Calm Forte, an herbal supplement, tonight, as a substitute, and my heart is pounding and my hands are going somewhat numb now. So, evidently it leads to panic attacks. I should drink tea. Even in the midst of a panic attack, I will say that it's reassuring to know I'll remember posting this tomorrow.

I would pay a small fortune to get a real massage. As a matter of fact, I think I might look into doing just that tomorrow after work. Slowing my life down has thrown me into this tension-riddled place, because I don't know how to be slow. I'm impatient about relaxing. I've told this more than once before, but it's like the time Emily and I were hurtling down the highway in an attempt to make it to a group meditation on time. HURRY UP SO WE CAN RELAX. I know it's funny, but it's not. Not when you're actually living it.

Ooh! It's like she knew I was writing about her. Emily just called me on the phone. And, seeing as she's the only one who knows this blog exists, this is funny. Hi Em!

I read about the 5th Annual Eugene Mirman Festival, and I love it, and him, and kind of wish I'd come up with the idea first. This is my reminder to look it up again.

Also, look up Prayer of an Anonymous Abbess.

No good, very bad day.

I have the hiccups.