Kat Atwell is a freelance writer, blogger & stage presence telling stories that deliver laughs, validation & community.

Mental Health | Wellness & Self Image | Experiential & Reviews

Ninja Feelings.

Today, in the middle of the day, memories of Chris slipped into my head. It was so surreal. One moment, I'm doing my work, not having an especially bad or good day, and the next thing I know, I'm crying at my desk.

Chris was sick. With Chris, I didn't see it coming - I hadn't steeled myself in the event he would leave my life. I kept fighting for him, and I kept hoping and anticipating that he would one day wake up and see himself as I always saw him. But he didn't. When my heart stutters like this, I remind myself that I'm still here to raise awareness, and to fight stigma, and to help people with mental illness have the resources available to help them.

I joke frequently with soon-to-be retirees that where insurance screws people the most is through dental coverage and veterinary expenses. But, that's not accurate - it's mental health care.

When you lose someone you love, you want to somehow take their loss and allow it to transform your life insto something that will make a difference. You want to keep their memory alive and push for the change you wish had been around sooner.

I noticed I went to "you" statements. I think I'm shielding myself from the hurt. It's so unrelenting and just shows up unannounced.

Furthermore, recognizing that I, too, have my own set of mental health needs, I know I'm helping myself as well. I hope I am. I wish I could get more active, but that would mean getting into politics. I hate politics.

When the feelings struck me earlier, I was much more vulnerable. I missed my window. I want to talk about this more. Not tonight, though.

Dirty snail.