Kat Atwell is a freelance writer, blogger & stage presence telling stories that deliver laughs, validation & community.

Mental Health | Wellness & Self Image | Experiential & Reviews

Mental Illness.

I was rewarded with a nice, quiet weekend. This afternoon, I watched Garden State (again), and it resonated with me. Not only did I really enjoy it, but there was a scene - this amazing scene - I'm going to find it on youtube and stick it on here when I'm done. I adore Zach Braff. It's quite possible I'm attracted to the characters he plays and the music he puts to his movies. It's the same way with John Cusack.

The video clip can't be embedded, so go watch it here. Do it for me.

After I watched the movie, I really got in the mood to find some music that was quiet, and indie, and motivational, all at the same time. That's not easy to do. So, at this point, I've settled for listening to Songza's "Cool New Music - Winter 2013" station.

Open, by Rhye is on right now. It's actually pretty nice.

Lyrics are just poems set to music. I'm awed about how talented people are on this planet.

In addition to the myriad other things I'm trying to accept right now, I'm really making a conscious effort to meet and make peace with my own mental illness. It seems hypocritical to tell everyone else it's OK to not be OK, and then to act like I'm fine, or to poke fun at myself when I'm not. I mean, I get that having a sense of humor is not a bad thing, but it shouldn't be used as something to hide behind.  I'd like to use art more. Improv went from being something that helped me to something I hid behind. I need a...what's the word...a medium. I need a medium where I can be vulnerable. I'd say that this blog is a good start, although, I'd be lying to myself if I said I was writing everything I wanted to write on here.

It frustrates me that I can't keep things to myself. My own secrets don't seem as valuable to me as others' secrets. I've never made that connection before. I really deserve my own confidentiality. I transform a lot of my tenderness into shame, which is unnecessary and harmful. Huh.

While I'm certain that I'm making positive changes and facing a lot of emotional discomfort, I have a feeling I might be on a path to crawl further inward. It's a protective instinct. I've said this for years - likely since high school. I have never considered suicide as an option, but I have wanted to disappear from life. There's a difference. I want time to freeze, everything around me to stop, and I just want to carve out time for me to be alone with my thoughts. I want to catch up with the rest of the world. No, I want to stop feeling like I'm chasing it - that's more honest. I know I'm not behind the curve ball; I'm being too hard on myself.

Acceptance is so challenging. Ooh. Another song I like: If I Were a Ship, by Hey Ocean!

This is where I give myself credit for writing for fifteen minutes tonight. And now, I'm off to find videos of these songs and movie scenes to add.


Sleep is so not for the weak.